Lorraine

I'm really not brave

2007-06-10T10:35:01Z

The last time I wrote a break-up entry I was hoping I'd never have to do it again. Yet, here I am, almost exactly two years later with almost exactly the same feelings as the last time. How ironic that we made it through 11 months, most of the time apart, only to break up three weeks before I come home.

This time I sat around and watched the Gilmore Girls "break-up" episode by myself. I have no one to wallow with and that only makes it harder.

I am, however, hopeful for the future. Certainly I still have life in me. Whether we get back together sometime, or whether we each meet someone else, it'll be for the best. I'm excited and yet so scared for what the future may bring.

Tell me you love me please. I think it might help.

I bet you didn't know

2007-02-20T15:53:02Z

Soybean oil and vegetable oil are really the same thing. As far as I can tell, the only difference is that you cannot find vegetable oil anywhere in any of the five miniature grocery stores I frequent, but you can find soybean oil at them all.

Korean women are all exactly the same size. If your pant size is not a two, if you do not where an A cup bra, or if your feet are not size five, Korean store owners will call you fat, and tell you to leave their store.

Other countries do not heat their water or their buildings as efficiently as you'd think. Heated floors sound cool until you have them.

You will no longer despise Walmart once you live in a country without one.

Articles in the English language do not make sense, and therefore it is acceptable if foreigners drop them altogether when speaking English.

You cannot become fluent in a language just by hearing it around you for six months.

Kimchi should be avoided at all costs.

Well the weather outside is frightful

2006-11-30T10:16:17Z

Today!it!snowed!
And at 10:27am
I looked out my classroom window
and the big white flakes
were falling fast.
I!got!so!excited!
And I felt like running outside
and dancing in it
and throwing snowballs
and canceling school
and building a snowman.
But, instead
I taught a World History class.

And now it all melted.
What a depressing day.

loejoe @ 2006-08-26T06:43:00

2006-08-26T11:49:48Z

Hola amigos. Me gusta espanol mucho, pero yo no lo uso mucho. No se por que. Yo pienso es porque nadie habla espanol conmigo. Si tu esta leyendo este y tu puedes hablar espanol, tu debes hablar conmingo. Tengo miedo que yo olvidare espanol si yo no uso. Estoy leyendo El Leon, la Bruja, y el Ropero en espanol para practicar. Pero, ya yo olvide mucho. Es muy triste. Este es todo por ahora. Adios!

loejoe @ 2006-08-12T00:01:00

2006-08-12T05:07:06Z

Today
I held a baby
that was born yesterday.
That's a first for me.
She may have been
the cutest thing I've ever seen
or at least the cutest thing
I've ever held.
I can see why people want one.
I kind of want one,
or maybe I still want to be one
I'm not sure which.

Life is strange;
when it comes
and when it goes.

It seems like we waste all our time making time

2006-07-12T21:17:51Z

I feel like my life has been totally erratic lately.
I sleep in odd intervals at no set time.
I eat sporadically.
Everything is perfectly inconsistent.
I'm ready for normalcy to return.
I just don't know what normal is anymore.

loejoe @ 2006-07-05T18:17:00

2006-07-05T23:18:31Z

Stop whatever you are doing right now
and go tell your mother that you love her,
because some day you'll wish you had said it more,
but you won't be able to anymore.

I can't wake up

2006-07-04T04:45:16Z

I want today to just be a bad dream
that will be over tomorrow.

loejoe @ 2006-06-26T22:45:00

2006-06-27T03:54:45Z

I lovelovelove
Eureka Ephesians
and their lack of spit
and how they hate knockout
(just like me)
and how I can leave them alone
and know they won't kill each other
and how there is only six
and how later this week
we're going to paint our nails (!)
and how we bake cupcakes
and how they love me
and make me happy
and make me love my job.

I hatehatehate
Feeling icky
and coughing a lot
and being tired
and having a sore lip
and constantly using mouthwash.
(although the last two
are really my own fault)

sometimes simplicity is better

2006-06-06T05:20:55Z

Yes, 'tis sweet to trust in Jesus,
just from sin and self to cease;
just from Jesus simply taking
life and rest, and joy and peace.

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him.
How I've proved Him over and over.
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus,
oh for grace to trust Him more.

loejoe @ 2006-05-19T02:51:00

2006-05-19T07:55:42Z

Today is my very last day of high school. It's almost surreal. In five hours I will get up and drive to school, just like every morning. Except it will be the last time.

I'm sure I'll be sad eventually, but I'm not right now. Right now it is 3am, and I have an English paper to write, a Calc project to finish, and a Bible notebook to complete. I suppose my finish is characteristic of the rest of my high school career - that is, filled with excessive homework.

Goodnight.

loejoe @ 2006-04-27T20:51:00

2006-04-28T02:06:42Z

Today
I decided to take my time
and make my hair look cute
before I went to school
because that makes me feel good.
Consequently, I was running late
and left my house
at about 8:10.
This means I should have
arrived at PCS
at approximately 8:27
(just enough time
to sprint to homeroom)
So I got in my car
and I started to drive
and I got on the highway
and some time between
the first and second stoplight
I saw it.
It was a white car,
I think
(I drove by rather fast)
and the side of it
was all smashed in,
but I didn't see the other car.
There were ambulances,
I think
(I drove by rather fast)
about three of them
and some firetrucks
and police cars
thrown in for good measure.
There were people on the ground,
I think
(I drove by rather fast)
they were lying in the median
and some EMT people
were putting them on stretchers.

Today
on Route 24
some people undoubtedly got hurt
their lives were possibly forever altered
and for all I know some one died.
But as I drove by (rather fast),
in that instant,
all I could think
was that this accident
would undoubtedly slow me down
and possibly make me late for school
and for all I know I could get a detention.

Today
I realized
how terribly selfish I am.

Happy fertility day

2006-04-17T03:16:26Z

Today is Easter. Ancient Saxons used to worship their goddess of fertility on this day. That is why we celebrate with eggs and bunnies; they represent fertility. Some early Christians thought it'd be a good idea to mix the celebration of Christ's Resurrection with a pagan fertility holiday. I hate Easter eggs. I think I hate the Easter bunny, too.

I don't update very often anymore. To be honest, I often write half-entries, and when I'm uncertain how to finish them I save them as private and promise myself I'll complete them some day. I'm going to finish this one, though.

Let me try to catch you up on my life. Today is Easter. I went to church. After church my family and I ate some food, and then we folded wedding invitations for 3 hours. I guess it's official, my sister is getting married. All we've talked about for months is wedding plans. I'm scared that after August, I won't know what to say to my mother or sister anymore.

My mom has been having some health problems recently. I can't help but wonder if some of her problems are caused by years of unhealthy living. Consequently, I'm contemplating becoming a vegan. What do you think? Also, I watched Supersize Me this weekend. I'll never eat McDonald's food again.

School work, specifically Calculus, has been consuming much of my life recently. I'm starting to wish I had dropped that class months ago. But alas, now I am stuck and must endure it to the end. This weekend I have approximately four hours of Calc homework to do, and I have not started it yet, though I hope to tonight. Last weekend I spent 8 hours on take-home calc test, at least two hours on English homework, and I stayed up until 4am Sunday night. Why am I taking two AP classes? Oh well, everything will get better after May 4th.

If you have ever considered reading Wuthering Heights, don't do it. It is actually one of the worst books I've ever read. There is no plot; only a few depressed characters that spend all their time going for rambles on their land. If it's true that authors write from their own life experiences, Emily Bronte must have had the most boring life ever.

I'm learning how to speak Korean and I'm taking a Tae Kwon Do class on Saturdays. It's pretty exciting. You should try it.

Ok, well, that is all. Thanks for reading. Remember that it's no fun if no one responds.

Post Script: I'm officially going to Spring Banquet.

loejoe @ 2006-04-06T17:38:00

2006-04-06T22:40:15Z

Hi.

I had a bad day.

Your comments cheer me up.

That's all.

An undertaking or enterprise of a hazardous nature

2006-04-02T20:16:02Z

Hello livejournal. I know you must think I no longer care about you, as it has been a month since we last spoke. But really, it isn't true. I also know you've probably heard rumors about me spending more time with myspace than I do with you and I know your probably jealous. But really, you have to believe me, I don't love him like I love you. Talking to him just isn't the same as talking to you. So have no worries, you'll always be my first true love.

Everything and nothing has changed this past month. By that I mean I live the same way I lived a month ago. I still wake up at the same time, I still attend school everyday, I still worry about spring banquet, and I still have the same crazy friends. But all of a sudden, I have renewed purpose for my life.

I guess it is a good feeling, finally deciding what to do after high school. I mean, it took me long enough. I have this amazing opportunity to live in South Korea for a year and be a teacher at the school I worked with on my mission0 trip. While attempting not to sound overly romantic, this could be the adventure I've been waiting for but have been too scared to pursue.

People have been asking if I am certain that I will live there next year, because nothing is set in stone. When I talked to Pastor Kang, the principal of the school, about us coming there next year his response was,"Well, my God already said yes." I think that is my response too. Because, if God said yes, how can I possibly say no?

a real ( ! ) update

2006-03-02T05:31:29Z

Hello old friend.
Much has happened since last we spoke.
Almost too much to even try to cover it all.

I went to Vice Versa.
That was good.
Everyone looked so cute.

I went to Great Harvest for the first time.
That was amazing.
They gave me free bread.

I slept over at Miss Hartman's apartment for the first time.
That was fun.
We had a late night story time in the bathroom.

I decided I'm ready to move out.
That isn't really good.
I didn't decide all at once, it was a slow process.

This week I have tons to do.
That is stressful.
I need to better manage my time.

On Saturday I leave for Korea.
That is amazing (!)
Please pray for us while we are there.

That is it for the update.
I'll feel good if you tell me you'll miss me.
I'll have internet access, but I doubt I'll have time for an update.

So, I'll write again in a few weeks
and you can email me while I'm gone
if you want to make me smile.

loesmiley@hotmail.com

Goodbye.

loejoe @ 2006-02-09T23:56:00

2006-02-10T06:24:47Z

I have some bad habits
Like not starting homework until midnight.
Like writing entries when I should be studying.
Like making entries only four people can see
and forgeting about everyone else.
I'm guilty of them all.

I'm leaving for Korea in 20ish days.
We had this fundraiser a week ago
and we all got "arrested"
and placed in "jail" until we raised enough money.
I think it was good team bonding.
What a silly thing.

I got my Vice-Versa dress.
Have you ever noticed that girls
can become instant friends
simply by conversing about dresses?
And have you ever noticed
it's all we've been talking about
for three weeks?
What a silly gender we are.

Valentine's Day is sometime soon.
It's like we killed Love and Romance
and replaced them with
cards expressing things we don't mean
and flowers that will die soon.
What silly people we are.

This college keeps calling me
and I don't really know what to do.
I wouldn't mind applying
I guess I'm just scared.
Scared of the future
but most of all
scared of making the wrong decision.
What a silly person I am.

I suppose that is all that is happening in my life
or all I wish to write about.
Goodnight then.

loejoe @ 2006-01-27T22:59:00

2006-01-28T05:23:43Z

I am exhausted.

This week has been crazy.

I'm physically tired from pouring out my emotions all week. All I've done is sit in chapel, yet I'm so exhausted.

This week has been amazing.

I'm having difficulty expressing it to people who weren't there. I'm sure I can say, "There was revival at PCS this week." But what does that mean to someone who has never seen revival or never even thought about it? How can I describe out? Just saying, "Well, some people knelt on the ground, some people repented, some people accepted Jesus, and some people just poured their hearts out to God," doesn't express it fully. Some how when I say it, the action feels less sincere, less real.

This week has been bittersweet.

Praise God for Brenda. I don't think I've ever been so extremely happy yet so utterly sad about one single event. I have a lot of acquaintances. I have a few friends. And really, I have less than a handful of good friends. Brenda was (and still is) a good friend, and that makes it so much more difficult to accept that she was lying. But, praise God that now she is saved.

This week has been an answer to prayers.

When we first started praying for this last year, I thought we were all crazy. I wonder what people will say about this later. Now, everyone talks about that time in 97 when there was revival at PCS. Will they say the same things about 2006? Will the stories be passed around, through generations, until ten years later when some crazy kids want it to happen again?

This week has been good.

Becca deleted her livejournal. I must admit, this may discourage me from writing very often. Becca always commented, or at least she commented a lot. And sometimes, without meaning to, I'd write entries directed solely towards her. Who is left to comment on all my crazy entries?

This week is not the end.

There are still so many people to pray for, so many who need Christ. Let's not forget that.

Boys speak in rhythm and girls just lie

2006-01-04T23:15:47Z

Hello.

School started today. But let's pretend that it didn't.

It is currently 2006. For New Year's Eve I went to Susan's house and we all blew noisemakers. Susan's mom had the boys leave at 1am, but they came back at 2am to put shaving cream and toilet paper on our cars. The girls all acted angry and upset, but in reality we were glad that they paid attention to us. That's the odd thing about girls. We'll never admit it, but we really just want their attention.

Everyone decided to get married this summer. It's crazy. Here's my list so far:
Chris+ Elisa
Miss Hartman + Stacy
My sister + Jeremy
Brenda's sister + Greg
Malory + John
Nobody else better get engaged. I think my summer is already too busy.

And to top it all off, Christy is pregnant. Pastor Shawn is going to be a father. Shawn, who still plays Halo daily, who thinks it is fun to distract me while I'm making phone calls, who signs his name P. Diddy. He's going to be a dad. This is crazy.

I'm starting to get really excited about going to Korea. On Monday Maggie and I went to the International Food Store and I bought chopsticks. I plan on using them instead of a fork and knife until I return from Korea.

That is all for now. Goodbye.

loejoe @ 2005-12-29T00:56:00

2005-12-29T07:06:39Z

At my table
over a bowl of frosted mini-wheats
a few minutes ago
I made the pro con list.

But I still cannot decide.
And I hate that
and I don't know why I can't.

Silly, fickle, indecisive me.

Jamie's kisses are all red and white and twisted

2005-12-25T01:56:17Z

Hello. Tomorrow is Christmas.

Christmas used to be like my favorite time of the year, though it isn't really now. After I found out Santa Claus isn't real, my excitment surrounding Christmas was never really the same. I have other reasons why I don't like Christas time, too.

Supposedly we are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Sometimes I don't believe that. Jesus' birth was simple and humble, yet we've made Christmas into something so complicated and flashy. Even the nativity scene, with it's beautiful simplicity, has become overdone and cliche. We buy unnecessary presents for each other and tell ourselves this is about Jesus.

Also, this time of year people have this bad habit of wishing for peace on earth. Ever since sin was introduced to the world, people have been fighting. Yet every year people around Christmas time hope/pray for peace on earth. Peace on earth isn't happening until Jesus returns.

In addition, we as Christians get angry when store clerks tell us "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". It's like we think that we're reaching out to the lost when we say "Merry Christmas". I don't really think there is a huge difference between "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays". People mean the same thing when they say it, like saying "Have a good day". It's really just another vague statement that means almost nothing and was created just to make you feel good when you hear it.

I could probably think of more reasons why Christmas isn't my favorite time of year, but I won't. On the up side, finals are over. Unless you go to public school. Oh well.

Merry Christmas.

loejoe @ 2005-12-17T00:57:00

2005-12-17T07:00:56Z

Oh wow oh wow oh wow.

Thom got me this for Christmas.

Oh wow.
I'm super excited.
I've wanted one for a long time.
Oh wow.
This is amazing.

If only I had some records to play on it.
(besides the Simon and Garfunkel from my parents)
Now you all know what to get me for Christmas.
Records and mixed tapes, please,
because I'm sure you were wondering.

Oh wow.

loejoe @ 2005-12-14T21:17:00

2005-12-15T03:17:50Z

Like a flag
at half mast
or an unfinished painting
that sits on a shelf
so has this shadow of a life become.

Like a symphony
poorly played
with the tempo never varying
and all the same parts repeating
so is this grave in which I live.

I've drank my own poison
that I poured into my own cup
(because it looked so good)
though I'd love to pretend
this world poured it for me.

Can I trade You this death
with its broken heart
and scarred wrists
and shattered dreams
for the life You give?

Because somehow I've forgotten
what it means to be new,
what its like to be free,
what it feels like to have peace
and what it is to be alive.

loejoe @ 2005-12-11T13:55:00

2005-12-11T20:03:24Z

Hello.

I saw The Chronicles of Narnia on Friday night.
I wouldn't say it was amazing.
But I wouldn't say it was bad either.
Of course, I would not like to influence your opinion
so if you haven't seen it, don't read this.

-The fox shouldn't have been there.
-The humor was not as Lewis wrote it.
-Mr. Tumnus should not have been attractive.
-Beavers don't make tunnels under their dams.
-There was drama where drama need not be
-The White Witch drives a sledge, not a sleigh

+The sacrifice scene was well done.
+The battle scene was also well done
+Lucy was cute

Overall, the minuses outweigh the pluses, but perhaps I expected too much.

Also this weekend I went to

After all the sarcasm and dread, I actually had a better time than expected.
Having a live band was a good idea.
Abby's house was fun afterward, too.
And everyone looked so cute.

And now I must go study for a calc test and write an english paper.
Goodbye then.

I'd wipe that tear from your eye, but we both know that I can't reach that high

2005-12-01T23:59:01Z

I'm 18 now but...

I still have acne.
I still double-knot my shoes.
I still have a bedtime.
I still never go to bed at my bedtime.
I still get excited about receiving mail.
I still hope for snow days.
I still have crushes on boys.
I still cry when my feelings get hurt.
I still cannot wake myself up in the morning.
I still play with Legos.
I still do not like to speak to crowds.
I still want someone else to make my decisions.
I still make foolish mistakes.

Growing up is different than I expected it.